Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time