I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.