me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Ugh
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
This could’ve been an email.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”