Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
yes… yes…
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
✌🏽
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.