Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
They’re the worst 😩