Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
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“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing