this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hello Twits.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Well, this is awkward
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
This will teach them to underestimate me
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.