Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
When I said I liked it rough.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”