The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍