I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
You Might Also Like
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Basketball
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same