Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat