what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad