Never be a pizza!
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.