I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The Sun
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.