My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Meow
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?