day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
waiting for halloween be like:
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption