If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
X-tra spooky blend