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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird