Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
When I laugh on my period
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.