I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
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Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
one last job
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows