*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No