Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze