My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I enjoy a good short stor
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary