[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You Might Also Like
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
More like Kate Missington.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!