Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
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Oh yeah that’s it
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
DOOO EEEET
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words