me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
You Might Also Like
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices