I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
is frankincense just very honest incense?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers