So glad we cleared that up
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[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.