That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Breaking news:
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.