Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
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Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.