*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’ve been learning to cook.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”