Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
You Might Also Like
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
This is a true ally.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.