i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do