don’t we all
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
mmm onion ringos
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG