wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
You Might Also Like
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Alexa: *deep breath*
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them