For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Morning my dudes.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I’m awake but I object,
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.