China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.