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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.