It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me