Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents