[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Baking is just science you can eat.