*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You deplete me
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Alexa: *deep breath*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism