I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.