Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot