knights of the ikea table
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3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“What?”
– Jude
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now