Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*3.5 thank you very much.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
*has no idea what a book even is*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too