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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You are not alone 💚
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.