I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.