There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS