Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*